for twenty-nine years

it was strange year when many things on the outside got broken and many things on the inside got connected. august is my happy month not just for my birthday and leo season, but also for slowly sneaking in autumn, summer breeze around holding us strong, new beginnings and a strange electric change in the air. as the nights go darker again, the sun in my soul usually gets brighter. i tend to change things without thinking about it, but with strong necessity.

i tend to be more observing and tender towards myself and those changes. the changes that got invitation many months ago and now i am finally able to welcome them to that beautiful inner home. 

i don't imagine myself anywhere else than where i am right now. i just maybe wish to be holding my own book. i don't wish anymore to do things differently. i wish i would stand up for myself more and spoke louder about what i wanted and what kind of person i am. i wish i can be a better friend to myself. i wish to see things more clearly and i wish to understand people better, deeper and with tenderness. for myself, not others. i wish not to be that alone all the time, but that is something to work with rather than struggle with. i wish myself a kinder sea and a softer heart. and i wish that one day i will stop to be so scared for that heart and let it be little more open to it all. i wish always for warmer sun and more wine to taste. i wish that my last year of twenties would be at least as good as these years before with their ups and downs, but i also kinda wish for my twenties to be done as enough is enough with this becoming an adult bullshit. 

and i wish, last but not least, but the most important... to speak on paper, to let the words leave me, to let them speak, for me, for us, i just wish to write and hide myself behind the craft that i love the most. i wish to be a good writer, good person enough for the words to find me and choose me, for creativity to be its vessel, its tool. 

i wish to let creativity to find me and teach me to be me.

''All the very best of us.

String ourselves up for love.''

among other things happening outside of my small universe of my mind, things haven't been better. it became less of a struggle to breath and get up in the morning. i became even more silent, waiting for people to ask, i am not providing answers anymore without proper questions.

i understood how to take a step back, or two, mainly from myself. i learned to listen without the need for response. i went to the source and i stayed there till now because I didn't find the need to leave that place or a reason to leave. i still struggle with asking for help and sharing my deep pains, but i don't punish myself anymore, i talk to myself with deeper understanding for a wounded animal lost in forest of her own thoughts and creativity just flying around in a search for fulfillment. as we all do in our own crooked ways.

i still love my solitude but i also discovered it can be source of problems. 

and the very last thing i have learnt in my 28 years of living, there is nothing worse you can do than fight yourself, because that is a fight you will never win. 

pictures of you from the cure playing somewhere in the background. cheers. thanks for reading as usual.